My life was endangered recently.
I felt the hardness rising from my stomach into my chest. Access to recent years’ progress and defenses — denied.
By what? By whom? Me. I was under attack from my own harsh, overly sensitive opinions of myself and my appearance. Initially I suffered in silence, only making small references to my displeasure. My cues were subtle, but the attack was fierce and there was no quick fix.
I teetered between multiple ideas. I had grown-up conversations with myself. I knew it was up to me to change the dynamic and direction of my weight issue and how I felt about it. However, I also beat myself up over the “neglect” that got me here. I just hadn’t prioritized taking care of myself. And after learning over the years that vulnerability is my friend, I contacted a few friends and confessed. Threw out the lifeline.
I confessed that I’d been thinking about taking better care of myself since the end of last year, but didn’t change anything. I finished the year out solidifying my new writing habit. Only, now that I’m finally writing, all I want to do is write. I’m often on my laptop well into the night, which makes getting up early to exercise nearly impossible, judging by my scorecard.
My lifeline friends helped regulate my thoughts around this issue so I could make realistic plans and achievable goals. Plus, I had one other saving grace. I actually got on the scale. I’d been avoiding it like the plague, so I had no idea how much it would help. Turns out, I really hadn’t gained any weight in the 45 or so days that began the year. That made not having lost any a smaller blow.
So what caused my feelings of dread? My perspective. Negative feelings about what I saw in the mirror. Rather than realizing this is temporary and choosing to love my present self and wrap her in things that make her feel beautiful and loved, I relinquished my power to my thoughts. And since my thoughts were angled downward, my own power worked against me and my potential to be great.
Curious how to tell when your power is angled in the wrong direction? When your biggest critic is overwhelmingly you. Reaching out to some of my lifelines is how I stopped the landslide. I chose vulnerability over hiding again. And during this process, I am practicing ways to love myself. Last weekend I even went shopping. If you know me, this is a big deal. I didn’t wait to do it when I hit a new size. I just shopped. When something didn’t fit right, I didn’t fall apart. I purchased what looked good and kept moving.
Next up, self-searching. Anything emotional helping extra weight cling to me must go! Self-care and self-searching are my approach. Care to share a similar experience or some self-care habits with me and other readers? Please do so in the comments!
In the meantime, look in the mirror and LOVE WHAT YOU SEE!